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John Cena And Joel Osteen Fight For Fortune Cookie Supremacy

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In the year of Our Lord 1999, under the tutelage of Master Oogway, a fortune cookie gained sentience. He was known as Joel Osteen and his tidbits of mostly nonsensical if universally applicable wisdom brought him acclaim and spoils. Oh, so many spoils.

As Master Oogway said to him before sending him out into the world, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called present.”

For years, Osteen’s dominance remained undisputed. Every day was a gift. But then a challenger emerged: wrestler/actor/China-apologist John Cena.

When not busy kowtowing to the chief content officer of the Motion Picture Association of America, it seems Cena increasingly likes to offer platitudes and bromides similar to those upon which Osteen built his empire. Cena’s fortune cookie bona fides also most likely have significantly more support from the country that did not invent them.

Sorry, you’re a racist for not knowing that the fortune cookie you receive with your General Tso’s chicken — assuming Tso was a general or even that he existed — is not a Chinese treat. You should have taken the time to do the work. Your lucky numbers are “White” and “Privilege.”

Anyway, back to Cena. He’s really been attempting to suplex Osteen at nonsensical bits of seemingly wise vagaries. One tweet from Cena reads, “Spend less on buying into the hype and invest more on self, values, relationships, the present, and the future.” (Present, hmmm?)

Another informs us that “Chaos will always find its way into life. It can serve as a reminder to be grateful for those we love and those who love us.”

Osteen, known for his own brilliant observations such as, “Living in regrets will keep you from new opportunities; reliving your mistakes will stop the new favor … as long as you’re looking back at the old, you won’t see the new,” could not abide such a challenge.

As such, the preacher, not wanting to live in regrets and miss seeing the new, decided to vanquish his potential rival before the latter had time to remember the

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