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Thursday, June 17, 2021

I Watched ‘The Bachelorette’ Premiere So You Didn’t Have To

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In case anyone cares, season 17 of “The Bachelorette” premiered Monday night. While an insane number of people actually enjoy watching the show — why, I’ll never know — the rest of us have much more refined taste (see: HGTV). Regardless, Bachelor Nation is loud, and you’re bound to enter a cultural conversation about the show at some point. In an effort to preserve your brain cells, here’s the deal: I’ll watch it so you don’t have to.

The episode started out just as you’d expect: half-clothed and in New Mexico. This season’s bachelorette is Katie Thurston, who was a contestant on Matt James’ season of “The Bachelor,” where she achieved fame for introducing herself with a sex toy. Thurston was loud about her sex-positive attitude on James’ season — and she hasn’t changed a bit. After all, it’s 2021, Thurston said. It’s about time people get comfortable with sex.

Thurston was understandably nervous. She’s “never dated 30 guys at once.” At least she has that going for her. Don’t worry, though. Thurston said she’s ready for the love she deserves and “won’t settle.” If the 30 men she has to choose from are any indication of what she deserves, it’s not a whole lot. I’ll spare you the pain of going through the entire list of suitors, but there were a few standouts.

We got pretty familiar right off the bat with math teacher Connor B., who was in the bathtub playing Fur Elise on a ukulele while nude. Honestly, nothing explains the show’s nature better than this wildly imperfect mix of entertainment, class, and debauchery.

Motivational speaker Karl is a self-proclaimed “mover and a shaker.” In a moment of truth, Karl told us all his family members are married with kids, and he’s stuck wondering, “What the hell is wrong with me?” For starters, Karl, you’re competing with dozens of men on a reality show.

Tre knows 40 digits of pi, Andrew S. plays football in Austria and likes to fake British accents, Cody is a zipper sales manager, and Jeff lives in an RV. Take your pick,

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